


In My Head

by Semi_problematic



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2018-10-04
Packaged: 2019-07-25 00:12:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16186079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: "You're dead." Negan said, his eyes on Carl. His Carl. The Carl that died two and a half weeks ago and who had been buried just as long. "You..." Negan shook his head. "You're dead.""Guess again." Carl smiled, tilting his head to the side. "You can't think a little bullet is going to get you out of this, right? We're a team, Negan."





	In My Head

The footsteps entering the cell's room only made Negan groan. Day in and day out, Rick or one of his other men would come in and watch Negan. Some insulted him. Some cried. Some stared. No matter who it was, it was annoying. Negan kept his back to the cell doors, his body facing the wall his bed was pressed against. When the person didn't speak, Negan decided to take it upon himself and do the job.

"Staring is rude, ya know?" When they didn't reply, Negan continued. "I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume that it's you, Rick."

A voice that sent chills down Negan's spine replied. "Guess again."

Negan shot up in his bed and whipped around. He couldn't breathe. With white knuckles, Negan gripped his sheets and stared forward. His heart beat so loudly that he was sure everyone within a hundred miles could hear it. His heart hadn't beat this loud and this fast since Lucille. He could feel his heart in his throat as he shivered again. He had to be dreaming. 

"You're dead." Negan said, his eyes on Carl. His Carl. The Carl that died two and a half weeks ago and who had been buried just as long. "You..." Negan shook his head. "You're dead." 

"Guess again." Carl smiled, tilting his head to the side. "You can't think a little bullet is going to get you out of this, right? We're a team, Negan." He took a step towards the cell and Negan pressed back against the wall. "This is your fault." 

“No.” Negan didn't sound as strong as he wanted to. His reply came out in a weak whisper, while he blinked, his eyes still on Carl. This wasn't real. “I didn't know you were going to get hurt. I wasn't the walker that bit you. I didn't even know where you were.”

“Your bombs could have killed me. All the fire and weapons. I thought you loved me, Negan.” He wasn't as tan as his Carl was. His fingers were thin and pale as they stretched through the bars and reached for Negan. “They could have killed women and kids, too. Since when did this become about winning? Since when was losing me worth all of this?”

Negan swallowed, looking away from Carl. It hurt to look at him. Rick made sure to keep any reminders of Carl away from Negan. He said their love was sick and that Negan didn't deserve to see his boy. “His” boy, as if Rick knew Carl like Negan did. “I… its not, Carl, but I didn't kill you. A walker did. And I wasn't the reason you were out there. That doctor you saved was. He's the reason you got killed.”

“Quick to blame the man who saved you.” Carl noted, his thin fingers twisting around the bars and shaking them. “If it wasn't for me, you would be dead right now.”  

Being dead didn't sound too bad to Negan. In fact, for those two weeks Negan had hoped and prayed that one of Rick’s men would snap and kill him. Maybe leave a weapon where Negan could get it. Rick was right, as much as it panned him to say, being alive was much worse than dying. “It's your fault.” He whispered. “If you weren't so fucking-” 

“Kind?” Carl tilted his head to the side. “Nothing has changed. You still love to blame everyone, Negan. Hell, you're blaming me for my own death. I was saving someone when I got bit-” He pointed at Negan. “And you? You nearly died over a petty war. You're just as self centered as you were when I died.”

Negan ignored the pain that shot through him as Carl spoke. “I'm not blaming you. It wasn't your choice, but you were always so fucking careless with your own life. All you wanted to do was save other people, but never yourself.”

“Didn't know wanting to help innocent people made me careless?” Carl rolled his eye. “Do us both a favor and stop talking. All you're doing is digging yourself into a hole.”

Carl always said that when they would fight. No matter the topic, Negan would always manage to make things worse by speaking. Whether he was snapping or making up excuses and explanations, he always made it worse. The only difference today was that Carl would smile when he said it. His Carl would smile. This one just stared at him, his lips pressed in a thin line. 

“You put a bullet in your head.” Negan wasn't really talking to Carl, instead he was just trying to prove to himself that Carl was dead. Rick and Michonne had both mentioned how Carl shot himself. How hard it was to know their boy died alone. “You can't be a walker. You're buried, too. Six feet under with rocks and a tombstone.” 

“Well-” Carl clicked his tongue against his teeth. “If I am so dead, why do you see me right now?” He pulled away from the doors and began to pace in front of it. He ran his fingers across the bars, looking around for another way to get it open. “Why are we having a conversation if I'm not real?” 

Negan shook his head. “This is a dream.”

“Well, I don't know about you but this is a really boring dream. I mean, come on, you're crazy as hell, are you really going to be dreaming about your dead ex boyfriend?”

“I'm going insane.” Negan rubbed his face in a weak attempt to make Carl go away. It didn't work. He was still there, staring at Negan with a blank expression. “I'm going insane.” He repeated. 

Carl grinned, but it didn't look right. In fact, it looked very wrong. Everything about him was slightly off. “He's self aware. Who knew?” He walked in front of the cell again, making his way towards the other end. “But I think you lost your mind long before I came along. Then and now.”  

“This doesn't make sense. Why-”

“Am I here? Well, you miss me. And we are in love. Or maybe it's were in love. I don't know. Do you consider us still in love?”

“You're dead!”

“And that still didn't stop you from loving her.” Carl scoffed. When he was alive, he never liked Lucille. He saw her as competition. “You named a dumb bat after her, too. What did I get? Nothing. All you did was use me as an excuse to start a war-”

“I loved you!” Negan shouted. “You don't know shit about what I went through after you died! You know nothing!” When Carl died, part of Negan died with him. The part that made the choice to open up and let someone in again. The part that was still capable of loving. Without Carl keeping him in line and keeping him human, Negan lost himself within losing Carl. 

“I may not know that, but I do know one thing?” Carl was smiling again and it made Negan feel sick. Talking to this… version of Carl felt like cheating. This wasn't his boy, just a cheap copy. “You haven't wanted to be alive since I died.”

“So?” Negan all but shouted. Part of him hoped someone would walk in. Maybe they could wake him up from this nightmare. “It's the end of the world, Carl-”

“Then end it.” Carl said calmly. “If you don't want to be alive and haven't wanted to be for months, end it.” When Negan didn't reply, Carl continued to speak, clearly pissed that Negan wasn't interested in his idea. “Kill yourself so you can be with me.”

“What?” Negan shook his head. “No. I'm not killing myself. No.” This wasn't real. This was just a dream. He was still asleep on his shitty mattress in his shittier cell. He was going to wake up. 

“You don’t love me.” Carl sounded depressed and it made Negan's heart ache. “If you loved me, you would kill yourself so we can be together. We can be happy again, Negan. All of this can end.”

Being with Carl did sound nice. They were in love. Carl made him care again. Things weren't so hard with him around. He could actually make Negan smile and laugh, too. The time he had with Carl was so short, but it made him feel alive. Things felt kind of okay with the boy around. And when he died, it all fell apart. Negan didn't want to admit it, but he didn’t have anything to live for anymore. He was trapped in a box until he died. 

“I…” Negan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don't have a gun or a knife.” He sunk back against the wall. Suddenly, he was tired. So, so tired. The years were catching up to him.

“That's the idea.” Carl clapped, he was too cheerful. “But I know you're more creative than that.” His bony finger pointed up at the thick pipes that ran across the ceiling. “Hang yourself with your sheets.” 

Negan thought for a moment. It could work. If he made sure to tie it tight and not hesitate, maybe it could work. If he was lucky, it would snap his neck. He nodded without saying another word. Negan's body moved on autopilot as he stripped his bed. “What if someone walks in?”

“No one will.” Carl mumbled. “Trust me. Would I ever lie to you?”

Negan smiled to himself. That was another thing Carl said. “You have, a million times.” He started to tie the sheets up, double and triple knotting them. “You would be better at this than me. Shane taught you all those knots when you were a kid.” Carl had talked about Shane like he was a second father.

“I'm not real.” Carl muttered. “So, I don't think I can actually help.”

“This isn't real?” Negan continued to tie at the sheets, his heart rate slowing. He had made up his mind. This was the end. Not that it was surprising. Negan always said he wanted to die at his own hand, not at some undead creep or some power hungry human. 

“No shit, Negan.”

Negan rolled his eyes, climbing onto his bed. Tying the sheets to the pipes was the hard part. He had to stand on his toes and reach his arms out incredibly far. It had to hang away from his bed. There was no room for second guessing. Negan tied it around three different pipes, two thick and one thin. He had to make sure they wouldn't snap when he stepped off. 

Negan slipped his head through the hole, tightening it so it was hard to breathe before he even stepped off. He stared at the floor, his eyes avoiding Carl. So, this was how it was going to end. Alone, locked up in some cell.

“Negan.” The way Carl said his voice made his heart flutter. He was almost too depressed and empty to care about the difference. “Kill yourself…” He fell silent. “Or else I will.” 

And with that, Negan stepped off the bed. His last words were muttered softly, his body gasping for air.

“Carl.”


End file.
